Rather than harp on the failings of Hi-Tech, lets harp on those of Capcom. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS THINKING HANDING OFF MEGA MAN TO THE BARBIE GAME'S MAKERS?
This review is going to be a bit different, because I need lots of screenshots to illustrate how bad this game is.
First, look at the fucking box art. It's just Mega Man 3, cropping out Sparkman and Top Man. Interestingly enough they went to the effort to actually move Rush into frame better with Mega Man despite him not appearing anywhere in the game. This just screams "buy me thinking I'm Mega Man 3!" Too lazy to draw up something that makes the terrible box arts of the first two games look good, we're off to a fantastic start.
Alright, so what we have here is an old DOS game which means it doesn't work at all anymore without emulating on DOS Box. That's a big pain in the ass as it is, but that's hardly the developers fault today. The game is like many old DOS games by which I mean it runs it's own speed based on the speed of your processor, meaning if you have a great computer the game shits itself in hyper mode, or if you have a slow computer it crawls slower than a snail caught in some glue. Adjust the cycles to where they need to be on DOS Box to play this game.
So this is the first screen you get. It asks if you want the graphics to be shitty or extra shitty today. Being as we have a computer made long after 1990, we'll choose just the regular shitty. Also, make sure you turn Joystick off as Mega Man will just run to the left of the screen if it's left on... you know, regardless if you actually have a joystick or not... god I hate this game.
So we go to the title screen and get our first look at the blue bomber... He looks like a fat kid in spandex. Great, I already hate this fucking game and I'm just at the god damn title screen. We press enter and come to the first stage which is... a straight path with robot cats in it.
We already have a major problem... THE FUCKING CONTROLS! You use the arrows to move, space bar to fire and the esc button to pause, all well and good. But jumping? Ah yes... to jump... YOU PRESS "J!?" OF ALL THE FUCKING KEY'S YOU PRESS J!? Do you know how awkward it is to play this game with the most important damn button being so retardedly mapped on the keyboard?! I said, "Fuck this," and got out X-Padder, mapped my controller, and by passed this stupid oversight as soon as I could.
So now we reach the point of the game where we can choose the bosses to fight. Thankfully there is only three of them instead of 8 since, I don't think I could take much more than that.
Look at these guys. They look like shit. Sonicman here is a Bubbleman rip off with a mohawk. Voltman looks like he belongs battling the Justice League, and Dynaman... what the fuck does Dyna mean? Well it's short for "dynamite" as I later found out when I got his piece of shit weapon, but more on that later.
So we go to Sonicman's stage and it's a sewer level. The first big encounter we have is with a wall you have to destroy in order to move on. Unfortunately there are these bats that keep respawning from this immobile unkillable texture on the wall. It will piss you off, chipping away at your health while you deal with the damn thing. Once you blow up the wall, the explosion from it damages you... so unlike 90% of other games out there, explosions you create damage yourself. This wouldn't be a problem if you had anywhere to move away from the explosion, but this game isn't so forgiving.But here's the biggest problem with this game. Take a look at the screenshot above. Every-single-god-damned-mother-fucking-enemy is too god damn short to hit with any of your weapons! Every shot goes flying over their heads, you can't fucking shoot anything! And look at the rest of the picture, do you see anywhere for me to jump the fuck out of the way to dodge this fucking rat? No? Welcome to the entire fucking game!
Losing my patience, I gave up on this horrible stage and moved on to Voltman's level.
You can't see it here, but I'm being pulled backwards in this screenshot as if I was moving on a conveyor belt or something. Being confused as all fuck as to what the hell this could be since... you know... there are NO GRAPHICS ON THE SCREEN TO INDICATE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I press on, thinking I've gotten past this horrible section when low and behold I discover the source of these wonky game play mechanics is...
A giant magnet underground that is for some reason affecting the gameplay ABOVE GROUND! Is this intentional? I don't understand what the hell is going on above these sections at all. It can only be a bug because it sure as hell acts like one. After attempting to shoot more enemies to small to hit in corridors to small to jump over them, I make another startling discovery...
I'm in another sewer level... that's some creativity there guys to use the same level design twice...Eventually I meet Voltman, but he has a regenerating shield and only takes one line of damage from each shot I fire at him. So naturally I die. The game asks me if I would like to continue and I'm pretty pissed off so I say no... but we still have Dynaman's stage to check out, hopefully it's a new type of lev...
ARE YOU SHITTING ME!? ANOTHER SEWER LEVEL WITH ENEMIES THAT MY SHOTS FLY OVER AGAIN!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! FUCK THIS GAME!Needless to say, I quit playing this game once I had a few screenshots, but I remember it well enough to give you the final rendition. The very last stage is the Wily stage in which you traverse ANOTHER FUCKING SEWER, battling the robot masters using Sonic Man's weapon because it's the only useful fucking weapon in the game against EVERYTHING and eventually you fight one form of Dr. Wily then the screen goes black.
That's it. That's the ending. The screen goes black. DID ANYONE PUT ANY FUCKING EFFORT INTO THIS GAME? FUCK YOU HI-TECH EXPRESSIONS! FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERY GAME YOU EVER MADE! FUCK YOU CAPCOM FOR LETTING THEM MAKE THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND FUCK YOU FOR LETTING THEM MAKE ANOTHER FUCKING GAME FOR YOU!
This is by far the worst Mega Man game ever made! Forget X7, forget Battle Network 4, forget Mega Man 8, THIS IS IT. This game is so bad you can put it high up on the worst games of all time list, a list Hi-Tech Expressions would have more games on if anyone would have even risked the money to play more of their shitty licenses. Don't buy this game, don't steal this game, don't receive it as a gift, and most importantly don't play this game. I don't care if Keiji Inafune holds a fucking gun to your head, DON'T FUCKING PLAY IT.
Story
Dr. Wily builds a computer to fight Mega Man and 3 more robots. Or something, this game manages to have a story worse than other Mega Man games.
Aesthetics
Just look at the game! It looks like shit.
Sound
No music (thank god) and everything else is the standard blips and bloops computers make that sound like ass.
Playability
Unplayable.
Extras
- Who gives a fuck on boss orders. Dynaman is the only one boss stupid easy to defeat, but his weapon is so useless you might as well buster duel the others. Sonic man has the only weapon capable of hitting anything so you might as well kill him first if you are sadistic enough to try to complete this game.
- The sequel to this game, Mega Man III (yeah they didn't make a Mega Man 2) uses the same box art AGAIN.
- Hi Tech Expressions was eventually bought and sold by NewKidCo, a partner of Ubi-soft. I think I'm going to go spit on my copy of Splinter Cell now...
Playthroughs
No one is going to play this fucking game are you kidding me?
Ok... here is some video I found on youtube if you are dying to see it in action...
Update: Boy do I sound like a twat in this review! The game still sucks though. Also, my very poor choice of words on this page have led to many hits from very horrible people. There is no Mega Man porn here you sick fucks, and you outta be ashamed of yourself!
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